My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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