i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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