if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize