so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
