I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
