I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
