it's too hot outside to masturbate.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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