I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
