I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
