FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
