She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
