I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
