I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
