Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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