I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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