I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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