Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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