Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drake has all the answers
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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