she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
