He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
