I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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