he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
