Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Never underestimate the power of titties
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
