I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
