you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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