Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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