The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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