dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
