just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
