Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize