after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
