Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
