No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
