I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
