Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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