Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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