his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
