Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
