I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
