So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
