Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
