i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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