I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize