I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
