I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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