Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
