My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
