Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
