You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
