sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
