She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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