i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
