I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
