i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
